Did you ever get the feeling that something is wrong at the heart of your soul? That you've missed some essential, foundational point that is necessary for contentment? I've been feeling that way lately. It's sort of like an itch on my psyche... and I can't seem to scratch it.
I look at my life and see many areas that are being neglected, but the most important are always the most difficult to take care of. They take planning and self discipline and time and effort to tend. I was struggling for awhile with really taking the time to enjoy my kids, but I think that is starting to be much more of a habit of thought, I do enjoy my kids more... Lately I've had this body image/fitness conflict raging which I think is only a symptom of the deeper, subtler angst that I'm starting to face now. I usually find a lot of spiritual fulfillment from making things, from creating, from making things beautiful, or from making a really great pie, making a dress or blouse: make, make, make. I used to see it as an act of Worship to take what is mundane and make it sublime. Lately, I haven't even wanted to create. I've clung to my knitting like an addiction, a need to be filled, but found so much less joy in the accomplishment than I used to. My cooking lately: uninspired, bland, and plain boring. I hardly even walk in the garden. I am no longer worshipping, I am drudging, slogging, out of habit or duty or something.
Something is wrong. The truth is this: souls can starve. Mine needs some nourishment. Most of my readers are moms, so you'll probably recognize this habit. We make the kids lunch, and we make it good for them... we balance the menu, thinking about protein and calcium and fruit and veggies, we include a bit of whole grain in there somewhere and finish it off with some organic whole milk... We make really healthy kid food: simple, boring, and as whole and unmeddled with as possible. And for our own lunch? We eat whatever the kids left on their plates so that food is not wasted.
I think spiritually, I've been eating whatever is left after the family has had their fill.
Clear as mud?
So, the "what to do" for me, is obvious. I need to eat. The problem is: I've lost my appetite.
So, I've decided to institute a sort of invalid diet of psalms, proverbs, a Gene Livingston Hill novel, and tv restriction (because, as we all know, junk food ruins your appetite for what is wholesome), also an early morning prayer and meditation time, which I've neglected for a while because of babies and a lack of routine. So, in with routine and out with unfettered free time. In with wholesome, simple spiritual nourishment in the hopes it will increase my appetite again for more complex and sophisticated fare. And for mercy's sake, more writing!